Professional Summary
Strategic nonprofit leader with extensive experience in advancing critical yet overlooked causes, including endangered filing cabinet preservation, ethical stapler usage, and the global crisis of poorly formatted PDFs. Recognized for implementing high-impact initiatives, managing unnecessarily large teams, and maintaining unwavering professionalism while addressing issues no one else considers problems.
Professional Experience
Vice President of Excessively Formal Emails
Coalition for Endangered Filing Cabinets (CEFC) // 2021–Present
- Authored over 4,000 excessively formal emails, including the widely circulated “Per My Previous Per My Previous Email.”
- Expanded outreach to 14 countries that did not request outreach.
- Implemented a filing cabinet conservation program that increased cabinet longevity by an estimated 0.3%.
- Managed a team of 42 interns across 3 time zones, none of whom were aware of each other.
Senior Manager of Unnecessary Committees
International Bureau for Ethical Stapler Usage (IBESU) // 2018–2021
- Chaired 19 committees, including the Committee for Deciding Whether Committees Should Exist.
- Developed the Ethical Stapling Protocol (ESP), a 97-page document outlining proper stapler etiquette.
- Oversaw the annual “StapleCon” conference, featuring keynote speaker: a stapler.
- Reduced workplace tension by enforcing a strict “one staple per emotional outburst” policy.
Director of Mission Drift & Strategic Confusion
Global Alliance for Properly Formatted PDFs (GAPFP) // 2016–2018
- Led the initiative to eliminate PDFs saved sideways, upside-down, or as 47 separate pages.
- Introduced the “PDF Alignment Task Force,” which produced 12 reports, all accidentally exported as JPEGs.
- Successfully convinced three major organizations to adopt standardized formatting guidelines they did not read.
Education
M.A., Nonprofit Leadership & Mild Chaos
University of Midwest Metropolitan Online Extension Campus
B.A., Organizational Overcommitment
College of General Studies (Minor: Color-Coding Calendars)
Core Competencies
Advanced Chair Rearrangement Strategy // Office Plant Longevity Management // Potluck Logistics Optimization // Multi-Committee Overseeing // Cross-Functional Clipboard Deployment
Awards & Certifications
- Golden Binder Award: Excellence in Documentation No One Read
- OSHA-Approved Binder Handling Technician
- Forklift Certified: (Revoked, then reinstated for unclear reasons)
- Regional Nonprofit Spreadsheet Olympics: Winner (Bronze)
Professional References
“Zoey brings a level of intensity to office supply management that is frankly alarming.”
— Former Supervisor, CEFC
“Her leadership style is best described as ‘unexpected.’”
— Committee Chair, IBESU
“We are still unsure what her job was, but she did it exceptionally.”
— Executive Director, GAPFP